OOM: Returning Eunuch

[bigarmy_strangepants]

It is late in the day, and Ragnar is lounging in his room, talking to Athelstan.

He could spend eternity just talking to Athelstan, and then an eternity again with all the other Athelstan-related things.

But they never run out of things to talk about, it seems.

"... will turn seawater into potable water, like making salt, just the other way around," he is saying.

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[thewidewideworld]

Sinric gives Ragnar a reassuring little nod and lead Athelstan into Sinric's own room, closing the door softly.

He leads Athelstan over to the window seat and kneels there in an attitude of prayer, beckoning Athelstan to follow suit.

[athelstanthescribe]

He's never seen Sinric do that, but he sinks to his knees in turn, closing his eyes.

"I expect too much of him", he says quietly.

[thewidewideworld]

He doesn't pray. But he does fold his hand over gently over Athelstan's, knowing after many years as a monk, prayer or not, the posture is one that feels safe, feels familiar. And he hopes helps to make Athelstan feel more at ease.

He doesn't answer but gently urges Athelstan to go on, to get what troubles him off his chest.

[athelstanthescribe]

Athelstan doesn't pray any more. Too many years of only silence in return.

"I thought he wanted what I do. To find somewhere to be in peace. And then the first thing he says is to conquer."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric inches a little closer and gently opens his arms to embrace Athelstan. Or to offer the embrace, should Athelstan want it.

"One day," he says softly, "I shall meet the man that Ragnar was. The man he was before you. And what I expect to see in his eyes is a wildness and fierce curiosity for that world. That wildness you have tempered with wisdom but his fierce curiously flames into blaze still. And I have fanned those flames."

"Talk to him again when he is calm and you will hear the words of the man he is, not the man he was."

[athelstanthescribe]

He leans gratefully into it.

"He hasn't lost that curiosity, and I would never try to take it from him. But I want to see the world, not to plunder it, and the thought of again seeing those who can't fight tormented and killed..."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric shifts closer, unbending one leg to rest against Athelstan's side. "I don't believe Ragnar wants that either. There was a time he did but that has changed in him. Look to the truth of his heart, not the slip of his tongue."

[athelstanthescribe]

"Yes. I'm being unfair, I know."

But walking in Ecbert's lands, he can still hear the women of Winchester screaming.

[thewidewideworld]

"No, beloved, you are acting on the goodness in you that wants to protect and shelter, and do no harm. That is nothing to be ashamed of."

[athelstanthescribe]

"I sat in my tent", he says quietly, "while Horik and his men had their sport with every English woman they could catch, and I did nothing. I could have helped... at least one or two..."

[thewidewideworld]

"I didn't tell Probus what I knew and what I planned to do. He died believing a lie. The regrets of what we didn't do haunt us and always will. All we can do to honour those we failed is choose differently next time."

[athelstanthescribe]

"Do you think Ragnar will understand?" he asks wretchedly. "Why it troubles me to hear him speak so lightly of conquering, before he mentions settling?"

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric nods gently and hugs Athelstan close. "Yes. But he will have trouble forgiving himself for upsetting you."

[athelstanthescribe]

"So many things upset me now. Sometimes I don't even know what will, until it does."

[thewidewideworld]

"Tell him that." He urges gently. "It will help you both find a way to deal with those fears together."

He kisses Athelstan's hair, just holding him as long as he needs.

[athelstanthescribe]

Athelstan leans against him, suddenly tired and near tears.

"And he made bread just because he thought I'd eat it."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric supports him, stroking Athelstan's back. "He made it because he loves you. And will seek every happiness he can for you."

[athelstanthescribe]

"He knows how few they are", he whispers, and starts to push himself to his feet. "I should go and try to eat more of the food."

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric nods and stands with him, kissing his cheek. "Go to him. I'll join you in a few minutes." He means to give them some time alone if they need it."

[athelstanthescribe]

Athelstan squeezes his hand, with everything he can't say, and slips back through the door.

[thewidewideworld]

Sinric lets him go, gently closing the door behind him and leaning against it.

He takes a couple of slow, deep breaths, trying to cool his own petty frustations and envies and pains at not being able to help them more.

He moves to his dresser and sits, taking the time to comb out his hair, leaving them alone to talk.

[bigarmy_strangepants]

Ragnar has been sitting with a piece of the bread, picking out an olive now and then.

"Athelstan," he just says.

[athelstanthescribe]

Athelstan drops onto the bed, not particularly gentle with himself.

"You did this nice thing and I spoiled it. I told you I was a burden."

[bigarmy_strangepants]

"I know how sensitive you are, and still I talked about conquering people as if that was just a valid option, as in 'Would you like mead or ale?' or something like that," Ragnar says, getting up to flop down on the edge of the bed, but not touching Athelstan uninvited. "And that after I realised just how much you've come to abhor the cruelty of our world. And that after I..."

Pause.

[athelstanthescribe]

Silently, hating himself for it as much as for everything else - for being weak and oversensitive in his own eyes - Athelstan is crying. Regardless, he forces himself to reach for the food and mechanically, begins to eat.

"After you what?" he manages.